My Update from Mayo

It has been a long day...a long couple of days. I am glad to be home. I have had many people checking in on me today either through Facebook or text message. I have played this medical situation close to the vest because I wasn't sure what we were dealing with and it was a bit scary for me. Now that I am home, I will share what happened.

As I said in my last post, last fall routine labs came back with some abnormal levels. My liver counts were elevated and when my gastro doctor at Mayo repeated the tests two week later, they were even higher. This concerned him enough that he referred me on to a liver specialist. When I met with the liver specialist at the beginning of December he didn't seem too alarmed but wanted to follow up with more testing. He said that if he didn't get the results he was looking for and if my numbers didn't start going back toward normal he would perform a biopsy on my liver. I have talked to many people who say that the liver biopsy isn't that big of a deal but I was pretty freaked out about it. I went on Dec. 28 for a repeat of my labs and an MRI. The labs looked better than they had, although they still weren't normal. When the nurse called me on New Year's Eve to tell me that my MRI looked fine and the labs were better she said the doctor wasn't ready to cancel the biopsy just yet. He wanted to see what my labs would show when I went back up on Jan. 13.

That brings us to this morning. I went for my blood draw first thing this morning and expected for the doctor to give me an answer about the biopsy when I saw him at 10:30. He didn't do that. Instead he said that my blood levels were better and heading toward normal but that he still had concerns and he wanted one more test to determine whether or not I would need the biopsy. All morning I felt like it was bait and switch. I would reach one milestone and then he would set a new criteria. I appreciated his caution but at the same time, I was ready to be done with all of this and I wasn't liking what I was hearing. Finally, the call came late this afternoon that the biopsy was NOT needed and that Hubby and I were free to leave Jacksonville and return home. Music to my ears!

We don't know why my liver counts were elevated. He said it could have been a virus that they didn't identify, could have been a reaction to some medication (don't know what that would have been though), could have been any number of things. The important thing is that it isn't what he thought it could have been, among which included an autoimmune liver disease.

Tonight I am thanking God for His healing. I am thankful that I get to sleep in my own bed and that I don't have to have any more tests for 6 months. I am thankful for my Hubby who goes with me and puts up with my whining, grumping at him and need for constant reassurance through the process. And I am thankful for family and friends who check in on me and support me with prayers and messages of caring and love. It's been a roller coaster of a day, but at the end of it all, I am feeling thankful.

Trusting God with the Big Things

The week after Christmas I had what seemed like a bad week. While staying at a hotel, I was getting out of the shower and the shower door came off the track and landed on my big toe. It hurt so much and my toe immediately turned black. I hobbled to the bed and cried while Hubby got me some ice to put on my toe. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I'm not sure that it broke my toe but I know I'm going to lose the toenail and it hurt to walk on it for about 10 days.

A few days later I was in the grocery store and had my cell phone in my back pocket. I always check my back pockets before I go to the restroom but on this night I didn't. Wouldn't you know that my phone fell out of my back pocket and right into the toilet?! I immediately grabbed it out of the water and dried it off the best I could, but the phone wouldn't work. I was so mad at myself for making such a careless and expensive mistake! When I got home I put the phone in a baggie of rice and prayed that the phone would dry out and work again. In my impatience, each time I took the phone out of the rice and tried to power it on or plug it in, I prayed that it would work. Three days later, my phone finally powered on. Thank you Jesus!!

The night that my phone started working I had strange dreams. I remember dreaming that my phone kept falling in the ocean and each time I would reach for it, the waves would carry it out a little further from my grasp. In the midst of trying to get my phone, God spoke to me. While His voice wasn't audible, there was no mistake that He was speaking to me. He said, "Rachael, you bring all of these little things to me. You prayed over your hurt toe, your cell phone, you talk to me all of the time and ask me to handle these little things in your life. Why don't you trust me with the big stuff? When are you going to trust me to handle the important things in your life?" I was jolted awake, but wasn't sure what woke me up.

I didn't realize what it was until later that morning while we were sitting in worship and God's words reverberated through my mind and heart. "Trust me with the big stuff." I knew at once what He was talking about. It is true, I pray about a million little things every day all through the day. These things don't seem little to me at the time but I'm sure they qualify as "first world problems, " my cell phone for instance. I have also been know to pray for up close parking spaces when it is raining, that there won't be a big line at Starbucks when I want to quickly stop for a drink, that traffic isn't too heavy, etc. Don't get me wrong, I pray about many important things too. When I tell you that I talk to God all day every day, I do. I pray for people I know, people I don't know, my kids, people who are sick or struggling, our leaders...I pray for all kinds of things. I also know that God answers prayers.

This is the thing that convicts me: I don't always claim the answers to my big prayers. I know God listens to me. I know He heals and yes, still performs miracles in everyday people. I know He CAN. What I don't know is if He WILL. About 8 years ago, before my first Crohn's surgery, I prayed for healing. I claimed that healing and I knew that God had not only heard my prayers, I just knew He was going to answer those prayers in a specific way. Well God did answer my prayers but not in the way or the time that I wanted them answered and so the process was much longer and much more painful than I thought it should be. (You can read about that HERE) I hadn't realized it until lately, but this had a huge impact on my prayer life and my ability to trust God to answer the big prayers. I've been so afraid to ask Him for big things since that time. I don't know why God works things out the way He does. I do know that if God had answered my prayers my way I wouldn't have endured as much hurt, but I'm also sure that I would not have seen the miracle in the same way.

In the last 5 months I have been back and forth to Mayo Clinic for more tests. Some of my levels were elevated when I had routine labs taken. This has led to more tests and I'm going back for more in the next two days. I'll be honest, I'm tired of the tests, tired of being a human pin cushion. I'm tired of not knowing and I'm a bit anxious about it. I'm not doing this trust thing perfectly, but I would like to think that I am making progress. It's easy for me to look back on all that God has done in my life and to identify where He was each step of the way. It's harder to look forward, not knowing the outcome and to claim victory. What I do know is that God is there is the big and the little and He cares about all of it. As I start to get anxious with the what-ifs, I keep replaying God's words to me again in my mind, "Trust me with the big things, Rachael."

Confessions of a People Pleaser

This week is our church's Vacation Bible School.  I have been working and preparing for months for this very special week.  It's always an exciting time.  It's also a lot of pressure.  I want so badly for things to work as planned.  I want for the children and the volunteers to have a fun and meaningful experience.  Oh, and by the way, I want for people to think that I have done a good job with the planning and execution of it. 

Yesterday morning I was wide awake a little before 4:00.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't get back to sleep.  So I got up and headed down the hall with my kindle.  As I began to quiet my mind and my heart I read the daily word from Jesus Calling.  The first sentence hit me right in the face and penetrated my heart:  Find freedom through seeking to please Me above all else.  It went on to say that when we allow the expectations of others to drive our efforts our energy is "scattered to the winds." 

I am a people pleaser.  I want for everyone to be happy and when people aren't happy, my nature is to lose sleep worrying over how I can fix it.  I have learned though, that I cannot and will not make everyone happy all of the time.  All I can do is the very best I can do, but the most important thing I can do is to honor and please God.  Yesterday morning after my quiet time I got to work making those last minute lists and busying myself to try to cover all of the bases.  When I would feel the "what-ifs" clouding my thoughts and my mood I heard God say to me "Abide in Me."  Could it really be that simple?  Abide in Me.  If I abide in Him, in His love, in His promises, in His truth I have His peace.  Simple?  Yes!  Easy?  No!  But it gave me some perspective and reminded me why I do what I do.  Staying connected to Christ is critical.  It also reminded me of the source of my strength and of my very being. 

I hope that children, volunteers, parents, everyone has a great time this week and that they come away from VBS having had a wonderful experience.  However, the true measure of the success of the week is whether or not God was glorified through our time together and if His kingdom was furthered because of it. 

The first two days of VBS this week have been fun and fruitful.  There were things that happened out of my control that weren't perfect, but they were handled.  At the end of the day, I think the bigger success was that in the midst of the imperfections I found peace and was able to calmly solve the problems. 

Maundy Thursday Reflections

I hope you don't mind, I am recycling this post from last Maundy Thursday.  As I read over it the other day, it still captures my thoughts this year. 

Today is Maundy Thursday. As I have been preparing my heart for Easter and thinking of all that happened during Holy Week, I pause tonight to think about the Last Supper. Jesus and his disciples were celebrating the Passover Feast, a meal amongst friends. It was to be the last meal they'd all have together.

"When it was time, he sat down, all the apostles with him, and said, "You've no idea how much I have looked forward to eating this Passover meal with you before I enter my time of suffering. It's the last one I'll eat until we all eat it together in the kingdom of God." (Luke 22:14-16 The Message) What must it have been like for the disciples to hear that their friend and teacher would not be with them anymore? How would I feel if my dear friend, with whom I spent most of my time told me this would be our last meal together? I can feel the sadness, the fear of not knowing what would happen to him, what would happen to them. I imagine how they must have felt to hear Jesus tell them exactly how things would play out and then throughout the evening and into the next morning as it unfolded just as he said.
"Leaving there, he went, as he so often did, to Mount Olives. The disciples followed him. When they arrived at the place, he said, "Pray that you don't give in to temptation." He pulled away from them about a stone's throw, knelt down, and prayed, "Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?" At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him. He prayed on all the harder. Sweat, wrung from him like drops of blood, poured off his face." Luke 22:40-44 The Message

My heart feels heavy when I think about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. He knew the plan and he knew what he had to do but there was that moment when (as my 5 year old said it) "Jesus was scared so he prayed to ask God to help him but he had to die." I think Prince is right. Jesus, fully human and fully divine, had human emotions and this was a scary time. An angel came to give him strength. While he was dealing with these thoughts and emotions, where were the disciples? They were "asleep, drugged with grief." While Jesus was thinking of all humanity, the disciples were unable to be there for him or to even do the small thing he asked them to do, pray. Not that I am being hard on them or passing judgement, I'd be grieving too. It just reminds me that there are times in my own life when I am unable to get up out of my own wallowing,self-pity, and grief to do what Jesus asks me to do. Pray.

It should be easier for me. The disciples didn't have the benefit of knowing the rest of the story as I do. I know that come Sunday morning, Jesus is alive. Yet somehow, it's hard for me too. Tonight my heart is heavy because I know I am a sinner and that I don't do all that is asked of me. I know that Jesus suffered and died because I am a sinner and that he did this willingly. I also know that Jesus did this because of his great love for me. He loved me before I was ever a thought. He knew me and loved me and my name was written on his heart. That is so overwhelming and just awesome to think about. Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were sinners, Christ died for us." I love The Message translation which says, "But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. Now that we are set right with God by means of this sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice, there is no longer a question of being at odds with God in any way. If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah! Romans 5:8-11

There is a popular worship song that has a special place in my heart, Amazing Love. Whenever I hear this song, it doesn't matter where I am. I just have to sing it. It is a reminder of Christ's Amazing Love for me and the peace that washes over me as I sing and enter into that true worship whether I am in the car or in a crowded room with other people. For those few moments, it's just Jesus and me as I sing this love song to Him and feel His presence and His unconditional love that holds me tight and keeps me going.

Amazing Love

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,
I’m accepted, You were condemned.
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,
Because You died and rose again.
Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.
I do hope that I can live a life that brings honor to Christ. I hope that others will see Christ in me and that I can show his deep, unconditional love to them.

I Love You To Heaven and Back

Prince and I have a contest to see who loves the other one more.  Usually it starts with  an "I love you," which is reciprocated with "I love you more."  Prince then says something like, "I love you to the moon and back."  We try to see who can go the longest distance.  One day he said he loved me to Neptune and back.  This morning though, he got me to thinking when he said, "Mom, I love you to heaven and back."  I got what he was trying to say, but my mind went somewhere else with it.

"I love you to heaven and back."  With Easter approaching, my thoughts have been on the enormous love Christ has for all of us that he would pay for our sin with his life.  That's a big price and we continue to sin again and again.  We can try not to, but we are all sinners.  The other morning I came across a verse that I hadn't paid much attention to before. 
1 This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.


1 Corinthians 4:1-5

Did you catch that in v. 4?   "My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent."  How many times do we not see the sin in our own lives?  We all have it, but it is much easier to see the sin in other people than in ourselves.  Sometimes we do things and we know we are in the wrong, but there are times when we sin and we don't even recognize it.  My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will convict me of those sins so that I don't repeat them.  I will admit though, that sometimes I don't want the Holy Spirit to convict me because I don't want to change.  It's easier for me to be ignorant about that sin than to have to change my heart and attitudes.  This Lenten Season though, I have thought about how much my sins must have hurt Christ.  When I look at pictures that depict the crucifixion I see the marks where he was whipped, the blood, and I think of each of those lashings standing for sins I have committed and it hurts.  It hurts me to look at him, innocent and blameless, he took the punishment for things I have done, sins I haven't even committed yet, but he knows I will.  Is he resentful?  No, he knew what he was doing and why he was doing it and the answer lies in what Prince said to me this morning.  "I love you to heaven and back." 

I don't know when that day will come, when Jesus will return for all of us but I do know this: I can't wait for the day that I am face to face with him and I can wrap my arms around him in an embrace so strong that I won't ever want to let go.  I can't wait to look into his eyes and see the depth of his love for me.  Until that day, I will take my sins again and again to that cross and leave them there with a repentant heart, knowing that his death guarantees that I have a place with him in heaven.  I will ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to me those sins that I can't see or recognize and to help to me change my heart and actions to love and behave like Jesus.  "I love you to heaven and back," he says and he does.

The Prayer I Should Pray

Every morning on the way to school we take turns praying in the car.  It is a precious time with my children and I wish I could record their prayers each and every day because I never know what they will say.  Yesterday morning as Princess was praying, there were several things that struck me.  First, she began praying for all of the things she wants; new toys, good grades on her papers, etc. These are little things to me, but they are huge things to her.  This got me thinking about how my prayers must sound to God.  All of these little things I pray for myself that are a huge deal to me, but must seem so small to God.  Then, as I was consumed in my thoughts about this, I was jarred back to reality by her closing statement.  "And God, please help me to like you best, to love you better than anyone or anything else in my life.  Amen."  Wow!  I think I'm going to take that one and use it.  So simplistic, yet so deep. 

They Get It

Friday night we went out to dinner.  I love eating out with our children, they practice their good manners and it's such a pleasant time out.  Prince did something so unexpected but abosolutely precious, I just have to share.  We were eating biscuits, waiting for our entrees to come, when Prince pinches off a piece of bread and gives it to his daddy.  He said, "Jesus was the bread of life.  We are supposed to remember that Jesus died for our sins.  Daddy, the body of Jesus broken for you."  He then does the same for me and his sister.  Prince turned an ordinary dinner into a reminder of what this Lenten season is all about. 

I think I've mentioned before that Prince and Princess learn scriptures each week corresponding with a letter of the alphabet.  Last week their verse was "Visit the orphans and widows in their time of need."  Princess has such a huge heart.  I love this about her.  Lately when she prays she is truly pouring her heart out before God, just telling Him every thing that is on that little mind of hers.  She consistently prays that all of the stray dogs and cats will find good homes, all of the orphans will find new mommies and daddies with happy families, and that the widows will find new husbands.  Our pastor is retiring this summer and she is already praying for him in his retirement and for the new pastor that God will send to our church. 

The 6 year olds get it.  When I grow up I want to be like my kids. 

Conversation Hearts

Do you remember getting the little boxes of conversation hearts for Valentine's Day when you were a kid?  I remember getting them from friends at school and reading with amusement all of the little sayings on them.  They said cute little things like "Be Mine" or "U R Cute."  Now they say things like "Text Me." 

Anyway, these hearts got me to thinking about my prayer life.  God doesn't want me to come to Him with trite little sayings and prayers, He wants all of me.  It isn't the fancy language or jargon we use that matters to Him.  It is what is in our hearts.  When we speak to God from our hearts, we are having real conversation with Him.  A lot of times my prayers are a stream of consciousness, whatever is going through my head at that moment kind of prayer.  If I were to make conversation hearts for God they might say "Help!" or "Thank You" or "I Love You."  Those are just quick things I say throughout the day and He knows my heart. 

When I first heard Paul's words in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 that we are to "Pray without ceasing," I didn't think it was possible.  I figured monks can probably do that, but how could I possibly pray all the time?  I have come to realize though, that what Paul meant was that our praying should be like breathing.  We do it all the time, but we aren't conscious of it.  Many times I find that I am carrying on these little conversations in my head just as I go throughout my day, talking to God.  I don't have to be in a special prayer posture or some quiet place.  I think that is what Paul meant.  The "amen" is never truly an amen because in a few minutes I'm going to think of something else I need to tell Him about and the conversation will last through the whole day.  There are times in my day that I set aside for quiet time with God, but it isn't like I set aside just 30 minutes to give to Him and then I go about my day.  It doesn't work that way.  I take God with me wherever I go.  Silly as it may sound, there are times when I driving in the car by myself and I can picture Jesus sitting right in that front passenger seat right next to me.  I just start talking out loud to him about things that are on my heart.  To people on the outside, I probably look like I'm talking to myself, but I know that Jesus is right there with me, listening to my every word.  Then I'll be quiet for a bit and drive in the quiet, listening for His voice.  It can't always be a one sided conversation or I'll never hear what God wants me to hear.  This has been something that I've had to train myself to do, driving in silence, that is.  My instinct used to be to get in the car and turn on some music.  I do some of that too, but those quiet moments alone with God are precious.  If you are a mom, you know that quiet time is at a premium, so you have to take it when you can get it.  Now that the kids are in school, I have a little more time than I used to and I do appreciate that time more and more.
How's your conversation with God?

The Privilege of Prayer

With Valentine's Day approaching, there are hearts everywhere.  The stores have been decorated since just after Christmas and I'm now decorating at the preschool.  This has me thinking a lot about love, and of course thinking about what to do for Hubby for Valentine's Day.  It has also reminded me of things I have done for him on Valentine's Day in the past.

When Hubby and I were dating, a friend suggested that I read the book "The Power of a Praying Wife," by Stormie Omartian.  She said that although we weren't married, it would be a great thing to read through this book and pray for him in these specific ways.  So I bought the book and began to look through it.  If you aren't familiar with the book, it has 30 chapters, each with a different prayer focus.  Conveniently, most months have at or around 30 days in them.  It just so happened that I got the book about a month before Valentine's and decided that as I prayed for him, I would keep a journal of those prayers.  For Valentine's Day I gave him the journal with all of the prayers in it.  It was a wonderful surprise for him as he realized that my prayers weren't a general "please be with him" every day, but that I had been praying for specific things for him in all areas of his life.  It changed our relationship in a very good way because it opened up conversation about how we could pray for each other, but also we started praying together more.  We were long distance dating, living 4 hours away from each other at the time and it brought us closer together. 
A week after we were married, my mother-in-law gave me another copy of this book.  She didn't know I already had one, nor did she know of the impact this book had had on our relationship.  It was such a sweet gesture and I still use the book she gave me.  We've been married almost 9 years now and I have prayed through this book many times.  I still pull it out and go through it and it's always fresh because life circumstances change and you never know how God will work through it. 

So here I begin again with the Power of a Praying Wife.  It is such a privilege to come before the throne of God and ask these things for my Hubby, who works so hard to provide for our family and is the head of our household.  Won't you join me in praying for your Hubby too?

It' Been One of Those Weeks

It's been one of those weeks...
1.  Hubby has pneumonia.  He has been home from work all week, between the bed and the couch.  I've been waiting on him and trying to nurse him back to health.  It's times like this that I realize how great of a team we are because...
2.  I have had to do baths, homework, bedtime routine by myself all week.  This gets really hectic, as you can imagine.  He usually helps me with this so we can get it all done quicker and since we have our routine down, it's a lot easier.  I don't know how single parents do this by themselves.
3.  I have been exhausted after putting the kids to bed (even more than usual) because of the above.
4.  I couldn't get my scanner at my office to work right so I brought home my lesson for Family Chapel and scanned it at home.  I thought I had it all scanned right here, but when I got to work the day I needed them, all of the pictures were not there.  So I had to wing it.  I don't like having to wing it when I'm speaking in front of a group.
5.  It poured rain all day today.
6.  Princess cried when I dropped her off at school this morning because she was nervous about her spelling test.  I prayed with her outside of her classroom, but still felt bad leaving her.
7.  The twins and I stepped in ankle deep water on the way in to their karate lesson.
8.  When we got home from karate, Hubby informed me that he had been called with a work issue and has spent most of the evening on the phone trying to get more information. 

Yep, it's been one of those weeks.  Nothing has gone according to plan.  I don't like it when things don't go according to plan.  I could have let this really get me down and I might have if I'd have wallowed in it and felt sorry for myself.  However, that isn't what happened.  This week I have been happy, lighthearted even.  As I was driving down the road in the rain, singing by myself this afternoon, I realized that all of these things that would have normally had me in a rotten mood weren't bothering me.  Want to know why?  I did.  I stopped to think about what the difference was and I figured it out.  My heart has been in a spirit of worship this week.  I have been thinking of all that I have to be thankful for.  I have been listening to and singing praise music.  My prayers have been ones of praise, what an awesome and mighty God we serve.  The focus hasn't been on me, but on Him.  It isn't about me or anything I could ever do, but about Him, Who He is and what He's done.  It's funny how my perspective changes when I'm not focused on me. 

It reminds me of when Jesus walked on the water.  He called Peter out of the boat and at first Peter's eyes were on Jesus and he was doing just fine, but the minute Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, he began to sink.  It's like we don't always trust that God's got it all under control. 

I have also thought about the movie "Facing the Giants." Sometimes it's just a matter of my attitude.  I love the part in the movie when the coach says, "If we win, we're gonna praise Him.  If we lose, we're still gonna praise Him."  In life, sometimes we win and sometimes we feel like we are losing, but if we praise Him regardless of our circumstances, He can change our hearts and our minds and help us to realize that the little inconveniences or roadblocks we face in life are just that ~ small things in the scheme of life.

So tonight as I sit and watch a movie with Prince and Princess, I choose to be happy.  I am happy that Hubby has been able to finish his work and join us, happy that I am safe in my home with the people I love the most.  I can see God shining His light on me from behind the dark clouds and I'll praise Him, the God that has blessed me beyond measure. 

We've Got Spirit

This week is Spirit Week at Princess and Prince's school. This means they don't have to wear uniforms this week. Prince is pretty go with the flow as far as what he wears, although he doesn't particularly like to go all wild and crazy. Princess, on the other hand, is very particular about what she wears. Monday was Tacky Day. As I woke Princess up I said, "Let's find something tacky for you to wear," to which Princess responded, "Mommy, I don't own anything tacky!" How did I end up with such a little diva?!
Tuesday was "Camo Day." We didn't have any camo so last week I went to Wal-Mart and found camo shirts so they could participate. Tuesday morning, Prince got up and put on his clothes with no problem. Princess, however, saw the shirts and began to cry. This was followed by 20 minutes of: these clothes are ugly, I don't want to wear them. I could identify with how Princess feels, as I don't really like to dress silly either. The conversation that ensued was about how she didn't have to wear it, but if she didn't participate every day this week she wouldn't get a "NUT" coupon (no uniform today) for Friday.  I explained that this is just the beginning of having to jump through hoops to get what you want in life.  She finally decided to wear the camo shirt but was quite explicit that as soon as she got home she would take it right off. 

Yesterday was red, white, and blue day and it was also "See you at the pole" day.  The entire school met in the gym yesterday morning and it was such an uplifting time.  I was quite impressed that the middle school students led the assembly.  The children were divided into grade levels and older students were assigned to help facilitate prayer with the younger students.  It was amazing to see all of these children in guided corporate prayer.  These children are our future and I am so glad to see the Christian leadership at such a young age.  They were praying for each other, praying for their school, their principal and his leadership, praying for our country and president.  I was blessed to be able to stay and be a part of this special time.  (I had a homeroom mom meeting afterwards).

Well, we made it through Green and Gold day today and both children were awarded NUT coupons for tomorrow.  They are excited that they can choose what they want to wear to school tomorrow.  All in all, I'd say it's been a pretty good week!

Birthdays and Getting Perspective

Last week I had a birthday.  I turned 35.  Yes, that is 3-5, thirty-five.  35 seems old and it has hit me hard.  I've been pretty weepy the last several weeks building up to this birthday.  It just feels like...Wow...35 and I haven't done a whole lot with my life.  Hubby started naming off the laundry list of what I've done and how I should be so thankful for all of those things.  You know, the typical...you've got two beautiful children you are raising, you are the director of a prechool and keep it going, you've lived through a lot of illness and we're blessed you're with us.  What a good Hubby he is, being so supportive while his wife gets all emotional and irrational.  He's right and all of the things he says are true, but in my mind, I guess I thought I would have done something more by now.  I started to think about how in all actuality, my life is probably about half over and I haven't done enough.  There are so many things I want to do with my life.  Grand and wonderful things.  I haven't really even started on my book and I thought I'd be almost done by now.  I haven't gotten my Master's degree yet and I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.  I would have thought I'd at least have figured that out by now.  So I've been moping around thinking that I'd better start crossing things off my bucket list because it's getting longer and longer and I'm not getting any younger. 
Well, God has given me a bit of perspective.  You know, the kind that slaps you right in the face and you realize that maybe your priorities are a bit screwed up.  Since this big birthday, I have begun to think of the many things I do have to be thankful for.  For starters, I have faced death not once, but twice and God has said that it wasn't my time.  He has given me this day, the only day I'm promised, the here and now.  It's what I do with it that counts.  I also have some amazing people in my life that have given words of encouragement.  As I have talked to friends about my struggle with getting older, God has given me some words.  The message has been delivered in many different ways but I leave the conversations with the same thought: Bloom Where You're Planted.  I have come to realize that God doesn't expect every day to be some dramatic experience.  It's the little things I do each day that make up my life's story.  Raising Godly children, taking care of my family, nurturing other children through the preschool, being a good listener when people need to talk and offering encouragement.  These are all things I can do to further God's kingdom and they are what's important.
So with a renewed perspective and a thankful heart, I choose to live in the now, to be thankful for my family and for where God has placed me in this moment.  I will be working toward crossing things off of my bucket list and being thankful for life's interruptions which are opportunities for ministry.  I'm going to start on my book and see where God leads.  The first 35 years have gone by pretty quickly, so I'd better make the most of the next 35 +.

Send the Rain

The sky is getting darker and it is about to rain.  As I drove home from work my prayer was "Lord, bring the rain.  Refresh my soul and rain down upon me until I can't separate what is me and what is You."  I need that intimacy, that closeness.  I have been so wrapped up in me lately, that I haven't spent the time with Him that I should.  I'm so sad that the twins started kindergarten.  I'm so busy starting a new year at the preschool.  I've gotta get the house clean and the laundry done.  I, I, I.  However, the last few days I have felt Jesus tugging at me saying, "Come to me.  Come sit with me.  Share your heartaches and challenges with Me."  In worship yesterday, Pastor preached about this and it spoke directly to me, as I have had this on my heart the last several days.  I've missed that special time with Jesus...the quiet the two of us share before the rest of the house wakes up.  God has been calling me to Be Still but I've been a busy little bee, packing lunches, folding clothes, etc.  It's all so tempting to try to see how much I can get done before work and school start.  But I've missed my friend Jesus, sitting in his presence and sharing my heart in the stillness.  This is what charges my batteries and offers my soul the refreshment I need. 
Jesus never gives up on me and I am so thankful for that!  He will continue to speak until I'm ready to listen.  Rachel, from Seeking Peace spoke to my heart this afternoon with her blog.  Go visit her there and be blessed!

Summer's Last Hurrah

This has been a very busy summer. I thought I would have all of this time to think and write and reflect and it has not happened. School starts in two weeks and I don't feel ready. We had the twins' six-year-old pictures taken last week. Here are a few of them...

Isn't Prince so handsome? He looks a lot like Hubby did as a child. I love this little GQ look.

Little Miss Princess loves to get dressed up! She looks like a big kid in this picture, not like my sweet baby.
This picture is worth a thousand words. It shows the relationship between the two of them and the mischief they can get into and all of the fun they have together.

Last weekend we took the kiddos to Disney for one last hurrah before school starts.

This was taken right before they made me sick on the Teacups. (Insert vomit sound now) Not really, but they are finally to the age where they can make the cups spin by themselves and they think it is such great fun. I'm always the sucker that goes on with them because Hubby has great difficulty with anything that spins and would be sick for the rest of the day. So I take one for the team and let them spin me right round, baby.

It was a great time and surprisingly, there were not a lot of people there. We went to three of the four parks and did not wait in a line any longer than 10 minutes. That Friday night as we tucked the kids into bed, Prince went to sleep pretty quickly, but Princess was so excited to be in the hotel that she just couldn't sleep. She talked non-stop (which is nothing new really) and she just couldn't be still. Then she did the most precious thing...she climbed over her brother and got out of the bed, then she got on her knees and prayed over her brother. She thanked God for giving her Prince for a brother and then prayed for his that he would have a good night's sleep with good dreams and that he would have a great time at Disney. How is it that God gave me such precious children? Their hearts for God at such a young age amaze me and make my heart warm.

Yesterday I took the twins to buy their kindergarten school supplies. We have had a tough time deciding what to do about our childrens' schooling for this next year. We were trying to send them to a school other than the one we are zoned for, due to personal reasons. This has been a complicated process and we've been on hold with this since mid-May. I have called the private schools in our area and even considered homeschooling them. The thing is, we live in one of the top 50 school districts in the nation, so we felt it was a shame not to send them to public school. Monday evening we got the news that we had finally been approved to go to the school we requested. Thank goodness! I am excited about the kindergarten team at their new school, but I am already feeling emotional about all of this. I told Hubby to clear his calendar for the first day of school, because I'm gonna need his help to get through the day.

Today I read an uplifting blog post that most mommies need. Click here to read Ostriches Look Funny and Other Observations. I know I really needed to see that other moms have the same struggles as me.

The NICU Experience Part 2

I. am. exhausted! Words just can't describe, but after all of the birthday celebrations and parties, I feel like I've been hit by a truck. This is why I haven't been on here for a few days. I haven't been able to hold a cohesive thought. I still have my doubts, but as promised, I want to tell you about the tiny miracles God gave us and their start in this world.

These are two of the babies' nurses in the NICU.

I first held our babies when they were 8 days old. It was quite an overwhelming experience, as you can imagine, but no one can prepare you for what to expect in the NICU. There are all of these tiny babies in isolettes with tubes and wires coming from them and it is quite loud. There is a lot of beeping and machinery making noise. I was still in a wheelchair, not strong enough yet to walk on my own, so Hubby wheeled me up to the neo-natal floor and showed me the procedures he had been following the past week...signing in, washing up to our elbows, being buzzed through the doors...and then once we were in, I got such a warm welcome. The nurses all asked how I was feeling and said they had heard so much about me. On this day, the twins had different nurses. The first baby I met was Prince. His nurse was a man named Robert, who had a very strong Alabama accent. He handed me my baby and said, "Mama's here." He then proceeded to tell me about the nickname he had given my sweet prince in this deep twang and said, "Mama, he likes it when you rub his head like this. He's got all this loose skin like an old hound dog. See? He looks like an ol' hound dog and he likes it." After holding Prince for a few minutes and being totally overwhelmed by all of the tubes and how tiny he was, I was taken to the next bed to meet Princess. Princess' nurse handed me this tiny sweet girl and said, "We weren't sure if you were just going to call her by her first name or use her first and middle together, but I just have to tell you that we nurses have decided that her name is too pretty not to use the whole thing. So you have to use both names, we decided it for you." It is quite common in the south to use first and middle names for little girls, I had not decided yet what we'd call her. She was named after her great-great granny, who only used her middle name. Well, that settled it and she has been using both names ever since.

The NICU was a roller coaster ride. Things would seem to go great and we felt we could see progress and then Prince would have a set back and have to go back on oxygen. There was no manual to tell us how the NICU was supposed to work or how to talk to the docs when we had a question, it was just kind of a figure it out as you go. Before I had even arrived, Prince had an IV infiltration that burned his hand pretty badly. He had to have wound care in addition to being on oxygen and both of them were born without the sucking reflex and had feeding tubes. I had never been around any of this before.

That first day, I remember Hubby and I talking about how out of control we felt. How could two such in control people be so out of control? That was the question rolling around in my mind over and over.

Hubby and I lived at the Ronald McDonald House across the street from the hospital so we could come and go easily. As we entered the hospital each morning the receptionist downstairs would ask how I was doing and tell me she had been praying for our little family. As we left each night, she would ask how the babies were doing. We spent hours sitting with our babies, telling them stories, praying over them, I sang to them. To make the time go by, I would start with the letter A and go through the alphabet singing a hymn or praise song for every letter of the alphabet. Sometimes I'd have to get creative with it, but I did it. Prince's favorite song was "His Eye Is On The Sparrow." Princess liked "Jesus Wants Me for A Sunbeam." I called each night after the 3 a.m. feeding to see how they were doing. I remember once being put on hold and the hold music was "Only the Good Die Young." I was so exhausted and jumpy that I started laughing out loud...that was all I could do. I think the hardest thing was the not being in control. They were our children, but we had no control over anything in their little lives. The nurses told us if and when we could hold them, when to change their diapers, when we couldn't hold them to just let them rest...it was so hard. Then there was the bigger picture of not being in control. We didn't know what was going to happen, when we would be able to go home, what would life be like? Would our babies have any long-lasting effects? Would they even make it home? We were able to take the twins home on their one-month birthday. That month seemed like an eternity.

This is Hubby holding our babies on their first day home from the NICU.

Through all of this, God was there. My strength came because of the prayers other people were lifting on my behalf. I knew that God hadn't brought us through that far, not to bring us the rest of the way to bring our family home. Those days were the hardest of my life and I don't know why things happened the way they did. Each year as their birthday comes around, all of these feelings come back and it is difficult, but Hubby and I hold them a little tighter and think of how truly blessed we are.

In the last few weeks I have heard several pastors preach about how God allows things to happen in our lives and we don't always know why they happen. We go through those pits and come out of them just knowing that God uses it all for His purpose. I am so thankful that God gave us these miracle babies. I know that He was truly in charge and that He never left us while we went through this time. God truly does perform miracles in ordinary people still today.

My Miracle Babies ~ Part 1

Today my miracle babies turned 6. Happy birthday to my dear Prince and Princess. It is amazing to think of how far they have come...how far we all have come. I will admit that their birthday is not necessarily a happy time for me. I try so hard to make their day special and as long as I am busy and not thinking about the tough time we had when they were born, I do well. It usually hits me at the end of the day after they have gone to bed and all is quiet. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the blessings God has given me and I know that it all ends happily, it's just that I have a lot of scars that haven't yet healed.

We all deal differently. Hubby and I hug our children a little tighter and tear up easier as we remember the struggles and thank God for our little family. My mom has a tradition she started when the twins were 2. She has always made it a point to spend time with them on their actual birthday, even though their party is usually not on the real day. This afternoon was no different. She came over with a small gift and a cupcake for each of them. She also brought her little Grandma's Brag Books from when they were born. Every year on their birthday, she sits with my children individually and tells them all about the day they were born and how she first met them. She shows them pictures from their first days and of her and my dad holding them that first day they were able in the NICU. It is so precious to see this interaction between my mom and my children.

Six years ago today, we were quite surprised when our twins decided to make their appearance into this world 7 weeks early. Nothing about their arrival was how we'd planned and it all went really quickly. Princess was born after about 30 minutes of labor. Prince, however, was not especially cooperative. He was transverse and the doctors couldn't turn him. His heart rate began to drop so I had an emergency c-section with him. Yes, I gave birth both ways with them. I don't do anything the easy way. The twins were sent to a Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) just over an hour away. Due to the circumstances of their birth, I was not able to hold the babies before they were transported. The transport team brought the babies in their isolettes into my room, and I was able to touch them but I was in such a fog from the drugs that I don't remember much of it.

The days that followed were pure hell. Hubby, my parents, and his parents were travelling back and forth from my hospital to the twins in the NICU. My parents and sister were the first family members able to hold my babies and they took pictures to bring to me. The day after the twins were born, my body began to shut down. I had HELLP syndrome and my liver and kidneys were losing function. I was diagnosed with acute renal failure and was told that I would be moved to ICU. Let me stop and say at this point that I had always been a very fearful person. I struggled for many years with anxiety and unfounded fears. I tell you this because it is an important part of my testimony. I was dying, my organs were shutting down. I was aware of this, but I am not sure if I knew really how serious it was, I think I was too sick to be fully aware. However, I knew I might die. The thing was, I wasn't afraid. I suddenly realized that all of those years of fear were unnecessary. All of those years the root of my fear was that I might die and now here I was so close to death and I wasn't afraid. I knew where I would go, and I was at peace with it. I was sad that I might not see my children grow up, sad that I wouldn't experience all of those firsts, but I wasn't afraid. This was a turning point for me. I realized that I have nothing to be afraid of. Those days I was in ICU and we were waiting for my kidney levels to come down and normalize, I felt the prayers people were sending up. I could feel the love of all of those who were praying for me and I felt lifted up. It's really hard to explain if you have never experienced this, but I was aware that there were people praying for me that I didn't even know. As Hubby would enter and leave the hospital, both where I was and where the twins were, hospital staff would say, "Aren't you the dad of the new twins? We are praying for your new family. We are praying for your wife." God used the encouragement of these people we didn't even know to give us hope. After 8 days in the hospital, I was finally discharged. I was going to meet my babies and get to hold them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this story, The NICU Experience.

Weather Woes

The first two days of our vacation were rainy, yucky days. The rain did break so that we could have a cook-out and see some amazing fireworks on the beach and for that I am truly thankful. We also got some great July 4th pics of the kids, which I will post. After watching it pour down rain all day yesterday, we all were a bit frustrated and ready to build an ark. At bedtime last night Princess said a special prayer that Jesus would let us have a sunny day at the beach today. Almost immediately after the amen, Princess said, "Mommy, I'm sad about something."
Me:"What is it, Princess?"
Princess: "Well Mommy, I don't know if Jesus heard my prayers. What if he isn't listening or what if he makes it rain tomorrow anyway and we have another day that we can't go outside to the beach? I really want to go to the beach tomorrow."
Me: "I don't think you have to worry about Jesus not hearing your prayers. He always hears our prayers. The thing is, it's never a guarantee that Jesus is going to do what we want him to do. Sometimes, he has to do something else and it isn't what we want because it is what's best for us or for everyone else."
That's a hard lesson to learn. I've been struggling with that one for a long time and I don't always understand the whys. I know it's hard for an almost 6 year old to understand.
Guess what...when we woke up this morning the sun was shining so brightly through the blinds! Princess' first words as she woke up were, "Jesus answered my prayer. We can go to the beach!"
And it has been a beautiful day at the beach at that. More pictures to come...Hubby has made a video from them that I'll try to post later.

Prayers in the Dentist Chair

This afternoon I had an appointment with my most favorite person in the entire world...NOT! I had to go back to the dentist. This is why I don't like going to the dentist in the first place. As soon as you let them get in there and look at your teeth, they always want you to come back so they can fix something. I had to have a filling and let me tell you I thought I was going to die just when he gave me the shots to numb everything up. Ouch! Then, as he started his drill he said, "Tell me if something bothers you." Before he even got the drill to my mouth I said, "It's bothering me." To which he replied, "Yeah, I figured." Well that was my attempt at humor with the dentist. My dentist is very dry so that was as good of a reaction as I could expect.

Anyway, I found a way to get semi-comfortable, OK well maybe comfortable isn't the word, but I can at least tolerate the sound of the drill. Today as I was laying back in the chair with my mouth opened much wider than it was ever meant to be, I prayed for those hands that were drilling my tooth. I prayed that the Lord would bless this man that works to keep my teeth healthy. I prayed for all of the people that work in that office and for their families. As I prayed, I realized that my focus wasn't on the uncomfortable situation I was in, but it was on God and how big He is. My mind was focused on others and their needs. Before I knew it, the drilling was done. My how things change when we stop worrying about ourselves and think of others. I have done this before when I was in the hospital and had to have unpleasant medical procedures and tests. I always pray for the doctors and nurses that I come into contact with, but today was the first time I thought about praying while at the dentist.

New Beginnings

Today is the 4th anniversary of a new beginning for me. The beginning of God showing His faithfulness to me and that He still works miracles in ordinary people. I have Crohn's Disease, was diagnosed 11 years ago. After the birth of our twins in 2004, my body had been through a lot and my health started to decline. By 2006 I was so sick that the doctors at Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville told me I would need to have a bowel resection. If I didn't have this done, and soon, I would die of malnutrition because I hadn't been able to eat solid food for a few months and was on a liquid diet, not successfully I might add.

I hadn't had surgery before except for my emergency c-section and the thought of it scared me. There was another issue. The surgeon told me there was a possibility that I would have to have a colostomy. I didn't know what a colostomy was and when the ostomy nurse came to my hospital room the day before surgery and asked if I had any questions about what would happen if I did have a colostomy I sent her away and told her that it wasn't going to be an issue with me and I wouldn't need her services. I just knew that God was going to heal me, pull out some big miracle and the doctors would all be amazed. Well, it didn't work that way. When I awoke from surgery, I found that there was this mysterious thing on my abdomen that I knew nothing about. This terrified me. I was angry, sad, any bad emotion you could have, I had it. Plus, I was away from my 20 month old twins, whom I hadn't been separated from before. The surgeon came in and told me that there was another problem. I had a bone infection in my sacrum (that's the area around the tail bone) and they needed to biopsy it to figure out how to treat it. In the coming days I saw doctors from all disciplines...infectious disease, gastro, orthopedic, neurosurgery, they came and went talking about possible treatments, but first they'd need to find out what kind of infection it was. I was in and out of tests from different types of biopsies to MRI's with and without contrast...you name it, they did it. The problem was, they couldn't get anything to grow in their cultures. The only thing they could tell me was that this infection had been there for quite some time and was very involved. I had been in excruciating back pain for a few years, but my doctors always blamed it on the Crohn's and said I would have to live with it. Now there was talk of IV antibiotics from home that would last several hours a day. I remember feeling like I had gotten pulled under the water at the beach and couldn't find the top. I was drowning and out of control, and I didn't know what to do. I tried to pray, but I felt like my prayers were on deaf ears. Where was God when I needed Him? My dear husband never left my side throughout this entire process. He was my sanity, my voice, my strength.

I thought things would get better once I was discharged from the hospital and could be with my family, hold my babies. I had been in the hospital for 2 weeks! I found that coming home allowed me to rest, but it didn't take the worry away. I felt guilty that I couldn't pick up the babies, home health came in and I wanted no part in learning how to deal with this new horrible thing protruding from my body, I sank into a deep depression. Sure, I tried to put on a happy face for those around me. I tried to pretend that everything was OK, but the truth was, I was angry. How could God let this happen to me? I had been a Christian as long as I could remember, I was faithful, I prayed regularly, I was active in church, I had people praying for me! I would not pray, refused to talk to the God that had left me. My husband would try to encourage me to pray, encourage me that he was glad the doctors had saved my life. I didn't see it that way so he would take my hand and pray aloud for the both of us. My heart wasn't in it and I just felt so bitter. There were several times when I woke up in the middle of the night only to find my dear hubby kneeling by my side of the bed, praying over me. He never gave up.

In time, I began to adjust to my new life, it no longer seemed like a prison sentence. I gained strength and was able to be more active in doing things with the babies. I returned to Mayo for an MRI and one last attempt at a biopsy, probably 6 weeks after surgery. The infectious disease doctor said that it appeared that my bone was healing itself. The inflammation had drastically reduced and they didn't want to do anything for now, except watch it. This meant no more plan of IV antibiotics for hours a day, no more unsuccessful biopsies, just MRI's to watch and see. A month later I returned to Mayo for another MRI. Again, the doctor said that she was amazed at the results. The infection was almost totally resolved and she had never seen a bone heal itself like this. She leaned in and quietly said, "I don't know what you believe in, but only by the grace of God was this possible." I had renewed hope, maybe God knew what He was doing after all. There were other doctors who tried to give some scientific explanation as to why this infection could resolve without treatment, the neurosurgeon even tried to say that perhaps there never was an infection. I know though, that my God is big and although I don't know the plan, He has it all in control. God performed a miracle in my body. He healed me just as Jesus touched people and healed them in the Bible. In the appointments and tests that followed, I always pictured Jesus there with me, putting his hand on me to comfort me.

I learned to live with the colostomy and decided that it wasn't the worst thing in the world to have happened to me. It was through this that I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. I also learned that God is always faithful to His people. We just don't always understand it at the time. In 2008 I had a series of surgeries to have the colostomy reversed and was reconnected, good as new. I still have Crohn's, that will not change as there is no cure. But I know that God walks with me every day and He helps me through the difficult times.

Thank you God for showing me that you have a plan for me even in the hard times. Thank you for helping to me endure these hard times and to see that on the other side of things, I wouldn't have learned those important lessons of your mercy and faithfulness. Thank you for teaching me that healing comes in many forms and for healing my body and my soul!

Thinking Like Children

I have mentioned before that my little princess and prince often teach me about God and His character through their daily conversations. They also give me a lot of writing material. I think about how Jesus said we should have faith like a child. Children are so curious and they have a way of asking questions that stretch us and make us think about our own beliefs. They don't think any question is off limits or too hard, they just want an answer. Sometimes I just want to crawl up in Jesus' lap and ask him my own questions.
I thought I would share a couple of conversations I have had with my children lately. They amaze me every day with the things they come up with!

Princess: Mommy, why do people have to die?

Me: So that we can go to heaven to be with God.

Princess: But God is with us all the time anyway, so why do we have to die and go to heaven to be with him?

Me: Because our bodies don't last forever. They wear out and when your body gets old and worn out, you die and you go to heaven to be with God forever.

Princess: But God made us and He could have made us to last forever and we could live forever on earth with him because he's always with us.

Me: Yes, but our bodies aren't forever. Our spirits, our souls, what God gives us on the inside is forever and when we get to heaven we'll be with God forever.

Princess thinks for a minute then says: So why didn't He just make us differently? If God made us, He could have done it different.

Me: Yes, He could have, but He didn't.

Princess: So when you get to heaven do you get to do what you want?

Me: I think you get to do the things that make you happy.

Princess: Maybe when you go to heaven to be with God you get to be happy forever and ever.

Me: Yes, I think you do.

Last week when I picked up the princess from her dance class she was upset. There are a couple of girls in there that are mean to her and say ugly things like she doesn't dance well, etc. She was in tears and we talked about how sometimes people act ugly toward us but we still have to be nice to them and be the bigger person. Meanwhile, in my head I wanted to say something to those little darling girls about making mine so upset, but of course I can't do that. Anyway, at bedtime she said she wanted to say a "Dear God" prayer instead of "Now I lay me." Her prayer went like this: "Dear God, please help those girls at dance to not be mean to me. And please help me to love them even when they are mean to me because I know that you made them and you love them. Amen." I could learn a lot from my 5 year old!


A couple of weeks ago I was getting ready for work and the Prince came into my bathroom to get his hair brushed. I didn't have his water bottle available so I put water in my hand and as I soaked the top of his head I said, "Prince, I baptize you." To which he said, "Do animals get baptized?"

Me: No, I don't think so.


Prince: Why?

Me: I just don't think they do.

Princess: Yes, they do!

Me: How do you know?

Princess: Because in the Lion King movie Rafiki baptizes baby Simba with a mango. He breaks it open and puts it on his head and then he holds Simba up like Pastor David holds up the babies in church.

Me: You've got me there.