Does It Matter?

I am serving on the General Administration Legislative Committee. A large part of what my sub-committee is dealing with is Plan UMC Revised. For those that don’t know, Plan UMC was a plan to restructure agencies within the United Methodist Church. It was adopted at the 2012 General Conference and then ruled unconstitutional afterward by the Judicial Council. When a revised plan was submitted for GC2016, the Council of Bishops asked for a declaratory ruling from the Judicial Council to determine whether or not it would be constitutional. This was to prevent the same situation as four years ago when so much time was spent on something that couldn’t be implemented.

When our sub-committee met yesterday, we moved fairly quickly to suggest adoption or rejection of petitions that were not related to Plan UMC. I was elected secretary of our sub-committee, which means that I am responsible for writing the recommendations of our sub-committee to the larger committee. Our sub-committee could take several actions: recommend approval of a petition, recommend rejection of a petition, or amend a petition and recommend approval. Once a petition goes to the larger committee, if it is approved it moves on to the entire General Conference for a vote. If the petition is rejected, it dies in committee. This are still ways it could get back to GC for a vote, but I’m not going into that here.

Today our job was a bit more tedious. We began to dig into Plan UMC Revised and its constitutionality. There are so many different opinions around the table about what needs to happen as we seek to streamline the structure of the church. It seems we have had a lot of discussion but not come to any kind of consensus or resolution. We still have some time to work on this, but it has felt like we were spinning our wheels this afternoon.

A few minutes ago we went out for a 20-minute break. While on break, I went to the prayer room to clear my head and talk to God. As I walked the prayer labyrinth, I began to pray for clarity and really ask God what He wants for His Church. These are some questions and thoughts I had:

God, You are the Creator of the Church. Does it matter to You how we structure the Church? Is what we are doing making a difference in kingdom building? How does this restructuring make disciples? God, You created us. Created us to worship You and we are called to make disciples. Agencies like the General Committee on Race and Religion and General Committee on Status and Role of Women do make a big difference to many people in the world. Because of our structure, and these agencies are a part of that, we are a connection that reaches people all over the world to further build God’s kingdom. We are called to be good stewards of the resources God has given us. A change in structure to redistribute resources is a part of being good stewards.

As I walked to the center of the labyrinth, my prayer was simply this: Jesus, be present. Jesus, be the center of all we say and do and guide our time together so that what we do matters for building your kingdom.

Many times when people hear of my involvement in the General Church or within our annual conference they say things like “That sounds boring,” or “I have no interest in getting into all of that political stuff.” For me though, it is so much more than church politics. It is about a structure that reaches around the world, providing resources and showing love to God’s people. It is about doing the most good with what God has given us and in doing so making the greatest impact. Does this committee work matter? It may not be something recognized in our local churches but I think it does matter and the impact is far reaching.

On Taking a Sabbath Day

Sabbath, a day of rest. When I hear of other people taking a sabbath I recognize its importance and in fact, I encourage it. The last few weeks and months have been busy and even at night my dreams have been occupied with all I have coming up so I haven't really rested. Hubby and close friends have encouraged me to take some time and I always have a million excuses of why I can't. Most of those excuses have to do with my unwillingness to allow other people to step in and help. After all, I'm supposed to be Supermom, Superwife, Superpreschool director, Supereverything. Right?!

Finally, after feeling completely overwhelmed at the beginning of this week, I decided that I had to make the time to rest and take a sabbath. So on Wednesday, as part of my preparation for the upcoming General Conference, I took a sabbath day. I needed to get my head clear and my heart in sync with God. With the sunroof open and the windows down, I headed out to the beach. On my way there, I sang at the top of my lungs...some praise and worship and some oh so spiritual Jimmy Buffet and Zac Brown Band. With one hand on the wheel and the other out the window dancing in the wind, I enjoyed the ride. Isn't that what we are supposed to do in life? Enjoy the ride? Sometimes I forget that.

Playalinda Beach is a sacred place for me. I always feel closer to God with sand between my toes and the sounds of the surf. Walking over the boardwalk, that first glimpse of waves with the sun glistening on the water, I take a deep breath and smell and taste the salt. This is heaven. With only one other family on the beach, I could spread out my sheet and just be. I had invited a friend to join me and she was on her way. Until she arrived, it was just God and me. I took deep cleansing breaths and felt the stress melt away. By the time my friend got there, I was ready for fellowship. We laid there talking about life experiences...things that mattered and things that didn't. We laughed, we commiserated, we enjoyed being together. We had such a good time that we lost track of time and I almost made her late picking up her kids!

It was a good day. I came home in a very different frame of mind. I felt rested, connected and put together for the first time in a while. I don't know what took me so long to do this, but I will learn to listen to my soul the next time and make the time.

Preemie Mamas, You Aren't Alone

This morning on Facebook I came across an article called
When Birthdays bring Fear: Birth Trauma and PTSD. I shared this article on my feed because lately there have been several women in my life who have shared with me that they too, relate to this experience. For the longest time I thought it was just me and I felt very alone in this. After reading the article and hearing feedback from friends who also identify with it, I have decided to share a journal entry I wrote last summer, right before the twins' birthday. I share this in hopes that others will realize they aren't alone, that this is a real thing and it's not something silly you can just "get over."

Saturday, July 11, 2015

On Tuesday our sweet miracle babies will be 11 years old. I don’t know where the time has gone. As the day approaches each year I have so many mixed emotions. Of course I am looking forward to celebrating the lives of these two incredible little people. They are indeed miracles and have grown from the tiny 3 pounders that seemed so fragile into smart, strong, fun people that I truly enjoy being around. I am so privileged that God chose me to be their mommy. Every year Wes and I give them a huge birthday extravaganza. This year they don’t want that. They want a simple party at home with family. That’s it.

The other part of their birthday isn’t something I like to talk about a lot. The circumstances surrounding their birth were traumatic  for Wes and me. Let’s be honest…the big birthday celebration is more for us than it is for them. It’s a distraction from all of the grief and sad memories associated with the trauma of their birth. I thought that through the years the flashbacks, anxiety and nightmares would go away. It’s been 11 years and they haven’t. What I have learned is that I have PTSD. It has taken me a while to come to terms with this, to admit it to myself and it is extremely difficult for me to tell other people about it. I’m not sure why I find it so difficult to talk about. Perhaps I feel like using a term like PTSD makes me sound overly dramatic or perhaps because it feels like there is something wrong with me…like I’m damaged. What I have come to understand is that their birth was traumatic. I almost died, they could have died, and the weeks and months after they were born we were literally fighting for our lives. This isn’t something I can just “get over.” Well-meaning people have said to me, “But everyone is alright now. You are all 3 healthy and you should think about how incredibly blessed you are and how good God is.” Yes, perhaps I should concentrate on the goodness of God and how He blessed our family. In fact, I do thank Him every single day for how He has worked in our lives and for the privilege of raising Sarah Grace and Jonah.

 Here’s the thing I didn’t understand until recently...PTSD is the result of trauma and we have wounds that haven’t healed. So often I think of PTSD as associated with soldiers coming back from battle, but we did fight a very real battle. A life and death battle. I don’t always know what is going to trigger a flashback. I can be walking along minding my own business and happy as I can be and then suddenly I smell something that takes me back to the hospital and I am there all over again, reliving the trauma all over again. Sometimes it is the sight of adorable baby shoes, a maternity top on a mannequin in a store, it comes right up and punches me in the gut and I’m stunned, trying to recover. It’s a dark place to go and I don’t want to be there, but I can’t always avoid those sights, sounds, smells, memories because I don’t always know what is going to be a trigger. Yesterday I was home minding my own business when I started smelling this smell like the NICU. I hadn’t been anywhere near a hospital and I wasn’t cleaning with chemicals so I’m not sure where it came from, but I had to light a candle to try to smell something different so that I wouldn’t go into a full on flashback. I am learning strategies to deal with this and sometimes I can keep myself in the present.

I hope that someday I can look at their baby pictures and not feel panic as fresh as if it had just happened. I hope that someday I can eat at Chick-fil-a and not feel nauseous as I remember that I ate at the one in the lobby of the hospital almost every day when they were in the NICU. I hope that someday I can complete their baby books and photo albums and not have a panic attack just from looking at ultrasound and baby pictures. I do have a lot of mommy guilt that these kids don’t have completed baby books. I have faith that someday all of these things will happen. I am not there YET, but someday I will be.

These are the things I know to be true:

1.             I can’t do this alone. The Holy Spirit will empower me, strengthen me, walk this out with me every step of the way and on the days that I can’t walk on my own, He will uphold me.
2.     .       I need my network of family and friends to support me. They may not understand completely and that’s ok. I just need to know they will be there for me, hold me and encourage me on the days when I feel stuck.
3.     .      My children don’t remember any of the trauma surrounding their birth and I thank God for that. They aren’t affected by these circumstances except for what they have been told. They know that they were born early and were fragile and we were very afraid. They know they are miracles and that we are so thankful God gave them to us. They know they were very sick and God grew them up to be strong, smart, big kids. They know they are loved – by us and most especially by God and that He has a purpose for their lives.
4.             Healing for me isn’t going to come overnight. I am making progress and some days are better than others. I am learning to put our time in the NICU into perspective. My week in ICU and their month in the NICU were certainly scary and traumatic – HOWEVER – it’s really only a one month period of time in the span of 11 years. Yes, there were other scary times and health challenges I faced, but in terms of the birth of the babies, we are talking about one month and then a couple of months that followed as Wes and I were scared that something would happen after we brought them home. Anyway, that’s a whole lot of good days compared to the 30+ really scary ones.
5.             I am not alone in how I feel. For one thing, my very best friend, partner, advocate and true love lived this with me. We have both been changed by this experience. You know that talk you have with your spouse where you say “If anything happens to me I want for you to get married again?” Yeah, that one. We had that talk right after they told me my body was shutting down and they weren’t sure they could fix me - just before they wheeled me to ICU. If I close my eyes, I can instantly be transported back to that room, him holding my hands and sitting on the edge of my bed. I meant every word of it. My point is, you don’t go through something like this and not come out changed. We grew closer to God and each other in those moments and learned not to take one moment for granted. In some ways I think Wes had it worse than me because there were points in time that I was so sick that I didn’t realize how bad things were. It was during those days that he held it together for both of us, driving back and forth between Americus and Columbus to make sure the babies and I were looked after.
6.             I am much stronger today because of what I have been through. I had lived with such fear my entire life. I was afraid to die. In those moments in my hospital room, when the doctors told me that they weren’t sure of anything but that there was a chance I could die, I wasn’t afraid. The one time I should have been afraid, I knew I was safe in Jesus and either he would heal me or he would take me to live with him. Either way, it was all going to be OK.
7.             God uses every experience for His glory. I know that all things work together for good for them that love God who are called according to His purpose. Some days I can’t see what that good is, but I do trust that God knows and He wastes nothing.
8.             My thoughts and plans are not His thoughts and plans. I am coming to terms with this and I know that not only do I not get to choose Plans A, B, C…I don’t even get to know what those plans are until God is ready to reveal it to me and chances are, He isn’t going to show me the plan anyway. I only get to see the next step, then the next, then the next. I am becoming OK with this although the control freak in me still freaks out a little bit with fear of the unknown.

I guess that’s all for now. I could go on and on about what I have learned and what I know to be true. I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head and into some sort of journal so I can process them…or maybe not. Maybe I just need them out of my head and to leave them alone without processing them. I just need for them not to be so much at the forefront of my mind. The counselor is helping me to see that I have unrealistic expectations of myself when it comes to healing from all of this. I spent years thinking that if I relived it enough I would be desensitized to it and it would go away. Instead, I sunk deeper and deeper into a dark place that I didn’t know how to get out of. It’s going to take some time to figure out how to deal with this and what to do with all of it. In some ways, that dark place is comfortable because I know what that feels like. I no longer remember my life before that. It will happen though, and those moments of grief will be like one snapshot in an entire book of photographs. I am clinging to that hope and praying that it happens sooner rather than later.

My Update from Mayo

It has been a long day...a long couple of days. I am glad to be home. I have had many people checking in on me today either through Facebook or text message. I have played this medical situation close to the vest because I wasn't sure what we were dealing with and it was a bit scary for me. Now that I am home, I will share what happened.

As I said in my last post, last fall routine labs came back with some abnormal levels. My liver counts were elevated and when my gastro doctor at Mayo repeated the tests two week later, they were even higher. This concerned him enough that he referred me on to a liver specialist. When I met with the liver specialist at the beginning of December he didn't seem too alarmed but wanted to follow up with more testing. He said that if he didn't get the results he was looking for and if my numbers didn't start going back toward normal he would perform a biopsy on my liver. I have talked to many people who say that the liver biopsy isn't that big of a deal but I was pretty freaked out about it. I went on Dec. 28 for a repeat of my labs and an MRI. The labs looked better than they had, although they still weren't normal. When the nurse called me on New Year's Eve to tell me that my MRI looked fine and the labs were better she said the doctor wasn't ready to cancel the biopsy just yet. He wanted to see what my labs would show when I went back up on Jan. 13.

That brings us to this morning. I went for my blood draw first thing this morning and expected for the doctor to give me an answer about the biopsy when I saw him at 10:30. He didn't do that. Instead he said that my blood levels were better and heading toward normal but that he still had concerns and he wanted one more test to determine whether or not I would need the biopsy. All morning I felt like it was bait and switch. I would reach one milestone and then he would set a new criteria. I appreciated his caution but at the same time, I was ready to be done with all of this and I wasn't liking what I was hearing. Finally, the call came late this afternoon that the biopsy was NOT needed and that Hubby and I were free to leave Jacksonville and return home. Music to my ears!

We don't know why my liver counts were elevated. He said it could have been a virus that they didn't identify, could have been a reaction to some medication (don't know what that would have been though), could have been any number of things. The important thing is that it isn't what he thought it could have been, among which included an autoimmune liver disease.

Tonight I am thanking God for His healing. I am thankful that I get to sleep in my own bed and that I don't have to have any more tests for 6 months. I am thankful for my Hubby who goes with me and puts up with my whining, grumping at him and need for constant reassurance through the process. And I am thankful for family and friends who check in on me and support me with prayers and messages of caring and love. It's been a roller coaster of a day, but at the end of it all, I am feeling thankful.

Trusting God with the Big Things

The week after Christmas I had what seemed like a bad week. While staying at a hotel, I was getting out of the shower and the shower door came off the track and landed on my big toe. It hurt so much and my toe immediately turned black. I hobbled to the bed and cried while Hubby got me some ice to put on my toe. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I'm not sure that it broke my toe but I know I'm going to lose the toenail and it hurt to walk on it for about 10 days.

A few days later I was in the grocery store and had my cell phone in my back pocket. I always check my back pockets before I go to the restroom but on this night I didn't. Wouldn't you know that my phone fell out of my back pocket and right into the toilet?! I immediately grabbed it out of the water and dried it off the best I could, but the phone wouldn't work. I was so mad at myself for making such a careless and expensive mistake! When I got home I put the phone in a baggie of rice and prayed that the phone would dry out and work again. In my impatience, each time I took the phone out of the rice and tried to power it on or plug it in, I prayed that it would work. Three days later, my phone finally powered on. Thank you Jesus!!

The night that my phone started working I had strange dreams. I remember dreaming that my phone kept falling in the ocean and each time I would reach for it, the waves would carry it out a little further from my grasp. In the midst of trying to get my phone, God spoke to me. While His voice wasn't audible, there was no mistake that He was speaking to me. He said, "Rachael, you bring all of these little things to me. You prayed over your hurt toe, your cell phone, you talk to me all of the time and ask me to handle these little things in your life. Why don't you trust me with the big stuff? When are you going to trust me to handle the important things in your life?" I was jolted awake, but wasn't sure what woke me up.

I didn't realize what it was until later that morning while we were sitting in worship and God's words reverberated through my mind and heart. "Trust me with the big stuff." I knew at once what He was talking about. It is true, I pray about a million little things every day all through the day. These things don't seem little to me at the time but I'm sure they qualify as "first world problems, " my cell phone for instance. I have also been know to pray for up close parking spaces when it is raining, that there won't be a big line at Starbucks when I want to quickly stop for a drink, that traffic isn't too heavy, etc. Don't get me wrong, I pray about many important things too. When I tell you that I talk to God all day every day, I do. I pray for people I know, people I don't know, my kids, people who are sick or struggling, our leaders...I pray for all kinds of things. I also know that God answers prayers.

This is the thing that convicts me: I don't always claim the answers to my big prayers. I know God listens to me. I know He heals and yes, still performs miracles in everyday people. I know He CAN. What I don't know is if He WILL. About 8 years ago, before my first Crohn's surgery, I prayed for healing. I claimed that healing and I knew that God had not only heard my prayers, I just knew He was going to answer those prayers in a specific way. Well God did answer my prayers but not in the way or the time that I wanted them answered and so the process was much longer and much more painful than I thought it should be. (You can read about that HERE) I hadn't realized it until lately, but this had a huge impact on my prayer life and my ability to trust God to answer the big prayers. I've been so afraid to ask Him for big things since that time. I don't know why God works things out the way He does. I do know that if God had answered my prayers my way I wouldn't have endured as much hurt, but I'm also sure that I would not have seen the miracle in the same way.

In the last 5 months I have been back and forth to Mayo Clinic for more tests. Some of my levels were elevated when I had routine labs taken. This has led to more tests and I'm going back for more in the next two days. I'll be honest, I'm tired of the tests, tired of being a human pin cushion. I'm tired of not knowing and I'm a bit anxious about it. I'm not doing this trust thing perfectly, but I would like to think that I am making progress. It's easy for me to look back on all that God has done in my life and to identify where He was each step of the way. It's harder to look forward, not knowing the outcome and to claim victory. What I do know is that God is there is the big and the little and He cares about all of it. As I start to get anxious with the what-ifs, I keep replaying God's words to me again in my mind, "Trust me with the big things, Rachael."

Confessions of a People Pleaser

This week is our church's Vacation Bible School.  I have been working and preparing for months for this very special week.  It's always an exciting time.  It's also a lot of pressure.  I want so badly for things to work as planned.  I want for the children and the volunteers to have a fun and meaningful experience.  Oh, and by the way, I want for people to think that I have done a good job with the planning and execution of it. 

Yesterday morning I was wide awake a little before 4:00.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't get back to sleep.  So I got up and headed down the hall with my kindle.  As I began to quiet my mind and my heart I read the daily word from Jesus Calling.  The first sentence hit me right in the face and penetrated my heart:  Find freedom through seeking to please Me above all else.  It went on to say that when we allow the expectations of others to drive our efforts our energy is "scattered to the winds." 

I am a people pleaser.  I want for everyone to be happy and when people aren't happy, my nature is to lose sleep worrying over how I can fix it.  I have learned though, that I cannot and will not make everyone happy all of the time.  All I can do is the very best I can do, but the most important thing I can do is to honor and please God.  Yesterday morning after my quiet time I got to work making those last minute lists and busying myself to try to cover all of the bases.  When I would feel the "what-ifs" clouding my thoughts and my mood I heard God say to me "Abide in Me."  Could it really be that simple?  Abide in Me.  If I abide in Him, in His love, in His promises, in His truth I have His peace.  Simple?  Yes!  Easy?  No!  But it gave me some perspective and reminded me why I do what I do.  Staying connected to Christ is critical.  It also reminded me of the source of my strength and of my very being. 

I hope that children, volunteers, parents, everyone has a great time this week and that they come away from VBS having had a wonderful experience.  However, the true measure of the success of the week is whether or not God was glorified through our time together and if His kingdom was furthered because of it. 

The first two days of VBS this week have been fun and fruitful.  There were things that happened out of my control that weren't perfect, but they were handled.  At the end of the day, I think the bigger success was that in the midst of the imperfections I found peace and was able to calmly solve the problems. 

Long Time No Blog

It's been so long since I have written and posted.  I have started many entries, mostly to sort through my thoughts and feelings.  However, it has been way too long since I have written anything that is worth publishing.  Where does the time go?

We just finished celebrating the twins' 9th birthday.  I can't believe my sweet Prince and Princess are 9 years old!!  If you have read my blog much, you know this is a difficult time for me. I want to celebrate the blessings God has given with two healthy children, but I also struggle with remembering the circumstances of their birth and all we went through to get to this point.  This year was no different.  Hubby and I both struggled as we thought about the life and death stuff we have come through. 

You can read about their birth story Here and the follow up Here. 

We've come a long way, Baby!

 

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend who has had a difficult time lately with some health issues he has been facing.  He said that he has been struggling and asking God why and then he feels guilty because of the long life and the blessings God has already given Him.  This resonated with me because I have felt the same way.  I know I should be thankful for what I have.  I know that God has worked things out for His good and His greater purpose.  I know that I must sound like the spoiled little kid who wants things her way and wants them to come without a price.  I still struggle, but I would like to think that as I wrestle with the questions, I am growing through it.  God is big enough to handle my questions and I may never understand why, but when I ask those questions I like to think that God is drawing me closer to Him and asking me to just trust Him.   

 



I look forward to the day that July 14th comes and I am fully in the present and the promise that the future holds, not dwelling on hurts from the past.  However, it is from the past that I have learned what it truly means to trust in God's perfect plan. 

These miracles are truly a gift from God and they teach me so much about my relationship with God and who I want to be when I grow up

This Is The Stuff

A horrible, nasty stomach bug came to visit our house just in time for the weekend.  Late in the night Friday night, Prince got sick in bed.  Hubby slept through most of it, although he did wake up just in time for me to finish getting everything cleaned up.  (How convenient for him ~ he honestly did sleep through it though)  Poor Prince, I can't tell you when the last time he had a stomach bug was, but I'm pretty sure it's been a couple of years.  He just doesn't get that kind of sick very often.  Prince and I were up most of the night together.  I think the only hour on the clock I didn't see was 4 and believe me, I thanked God for that small blessing of getting at least an hour and a half of straight sleep.  Saturday night was uneventful and we thought we were out of the woods until Sunday morning early when Prince was again sick.  Princess got it Sunday night and Hubby got it Monday morning.  I've had a grand time spraying Lysol on everything, keeping up with dirty laundry and dishes, and doing it all myself.  Let's just say that this Mama is tired. 

This morning I may or may not have snapped back at Hubby when he grumped at me.  I also may or may not have started feeling a bit resentful that I've been single-handedly taking care of all of this sickness while everyone else was getting the rest they needed and being waited on hand and foot.  I may have gotten a bit agitated when Princess said she couldn't find socks this morning that were right in her drawer, matched up and ready to go.  Yes, it was one of those mornings.  Yet as I was rushing to get myself ready after making sure everyone had what they needed, the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  I'm not sure where it came from, except for His prompting, but I started to sing "Change my heart oh God, make it ever true.  Change my heart oh God, may I be like you."  As I sang, I started to calm down a little, but felt this small voice inside of me saying, "You aren't really feeling it, keep singing."  So I did, again and again.  I sang it as I drove the kids to school and on my way to work.  

I began to think about how this is the life I always wanted ~ the life I chose.  I always wanted to be a wife and a mommy and to take care of my family.  In sickness and in health isn't always easy.  In fact, I think that one is harder than for richer or poorer.  The point is, when you think and dream about having a family of your own, it seems wonderful and magical and everything will be like the Cleavers.  But life is messy and reality sets in and I realize that this is exactly what I signed up for.  I also realize that the change must come from my own heart.  I am grateful that my Hubby is involved and helps me with the kids when he gets home from work.  On these difficult days, it seems even more difficult because I am used to having help.  I am thankful for the help he does offer because doing this alone day in and day out would get really old.  I am thankful that Hubby comes home to me at night and that he likes being with us, thankful that I can create a home environment where he's comfortable.  I am thankful for those snuggles on the couch when the Prince and Princess are feeling bad, thankful that I am the one they want and that I can be their mommy.  That is what makes it worth it all.   

You've probably figured out by now that God uses music to speak to me ~ a lot.  When I hear a song I remember it and can usually retrieve its message in my brain for years to come.  Here's a good one that also came to mind this morning.

Laboring through Labor Day Weekend

This weekend we took a trip to the in-laws.  The in-laws live in the middle of no-wheresville and have lots of land.  My father-in-law loves to grow stuff on this land and we are recruited to come and visit  provide manual labor when it is time to harvest.  Friday night we drove the 4 hours up to no-wheresville and didn't get in until 11:00.  Saturday morning we were up and working by 8:00.  This weekend's task: picking off peanuts, boiling the peanuts and bagging the peanuts to be frozen.

If you've never seen how peanuts grow, they grow under the ground.  Here is a pile of peanut plants that my darling Hubby pulled up and stacked for me to pick off.

Here are Prince and his cousin, picking off peanuts.

Princess is proud of the peanuts she picked off the vines.

After we picked the peanuts off, they were rinsed in buckets and then put in big pots to be boiled. 

I had a very important job in between picking the peanuts.  My father-in-law assigned me the duty of tasting the peanuts to see if they were done.  So every so often I had to pull myself away from my pile of peanut plants and do the quality taste testing.  This was really a tough job, but somebody had to do it.  After the peanuts were done to my satisfaction, we drained them and I put them in ziploc bags to put up in the freezer.  At the end of the day we had picked, boiled and bagged 71 gallons of boiled peanuts.  We were so exhausted, but the peanuts are so delicious!  In fact, when we got home last night I wanted boiled peanuts for dinner last night. 

This morning Hubby took me to the beach.  We sat out on the beach and relaxed while we watched the kids play in the sand.  I didn't let them in the water for all of the jellyfish that were stinging people left and right.  It was a mostly peaceful time at the beach.

There's nothing like the feeling of sand between my toes.  Ahhhh!

For our family, Labor Day weekend is usually when we celebrate the fact that my mom quite literally was in labor...with me.  36 years ago tomorrow, I made my entrance into this world. 

This afternoon my mom and dad made steak fajitas (my request) for my birthday dinner.  My mom made a delicious homemade carrot cake and we taught my sister and brother-in-law how to play our new favorite game, The Settlers of Catan.  We are addicted and my mom asks probably once a week when we can come over to their house to play Catan.  If you've never played it and you like strategy games, you'll love this one!  Hubby bought me the American History Trails to Rails game but we haven't had a chance to play that one yet.

So it's been a busy, but fun weekend and I am feeling incredibly blessed.  Given all I've been through with my health, I count each candle on my cake as a gift from God.  I serve a great God and I am so thankful for what He has done in my life.  When I was in ICU after the babies were born, my dear friend and prayer partner said that when she was praying for me God gave her a verse for me.  It is from Psalm 91 and while she gave me the whole chapter, she said the part that really struck her was verses 14-16:

"'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.'"

I'm counting on that long life that God has promised me.  I know that God keeps His promises and I hope that when I do go to heaven and bow before Him, God will say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

Healing Hurting Hearts

It's been weeks a month since my last post and I can hardly believe all that's been going on.  It's been such a busy time of finishing up summer and starting school and finally I feel like I am in some sort of routine.  In all of this, God has been faithful in providing what we've needed.  Prince and Princess have started first grade and they are in different classes this year.  Mommy has been more nervous about this than they seem to be.  All is going well and they have adjusted.  Mostly.  There have been a few hiccups, but they are happy and except for all of the homework and getting up and going in the morning they are glad to be back in school.  I began praying back in April that God would give each of my children the right teacher they needed for this school year and He is faithful.  I truly believe He did that, thus they are blooming where they're planted. 

One of the things I've been aware of lately is the needs of others and how so many are hurting around me.  Just last week I prayed with a mother in my office who was at the end of her rope with many circumstances out of her control.  There is a child from the same school as my own kiddos who has leukemia and is undergoing treatments.  We have had several deaths in our church family.  Lay-offs from the Space Center are leaving families in a tough situation and as prepared as they thought they were, there are no jobs to be found.  My sweet cousin had bleeding on her brain and had to leave college to have surgery to stop the bleeding.  Thank you Jesus she is on the road to recovery.  Another sweet girl I know had her baby at 31 weeks due to complications with her blood pressure and her sweet baby boy is in the NICU.  There are so many needs around me and at times I just feel overwhelmed.  I have been praying day and night and I know that God hears those prayers and that His love never fails.  As it is right now my prayer list is a mile long and I begin as soon as I wake up in the morning and pray throughout the day for all of those needs.  My heart aches for all of those that are hurting and I have known what that hurt feels like when loved ones are sick or die or to have your sweet baby in the NICU and be so out of control or to have illness come on yourself.  I have lived through all of that and I think that I big part of that is that I can now empathize with others in the same situation and see them through a different lens.  I also know that God always keeps His promises and that He never leaves us.  As all of this has come into my life, I have also discovered a new favorite song, which has come to mean a great deal to me. 


We never know exactly what God has planned for our lives.  We don't know what those trials will mean for us, but what if His healing comes through tears and we discover that the failures of this world serve to remind us that this isn't our home?  I am so thankful for all God has done in my life.  There is a reason he spared my life not once, but twice and I know that I still have work to do for Him.  No matter the circumstance, God has a plan and I have learned that it is much better than anything I could ever dream up. 

The Living Word

Isn't it amazing how you can read the same Bible verses throughout the years but they mean different things to you in different seasons in your life?  This morning as I opened my Bible God gave me the words I needed to hear.  This morning I turned to Galatians 6:
"1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.

7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

It isn't that I hadn't read these verses before, but they took on new meaning as I read them this morning.  Do you ever find that you compare yourself with other people?  Me neither.  Just checking to see if you do.  Do you ever get tired of trying to do the right thing and feel like you don't see the results you'd hoped for?  Me neither.  Not that I needed these words or anything. 
OK, so maybe I have been feeling a little weary lately and wondering if I make any difference with some of the things I'm involved in.  But here's the thing: it doesn't really matter if I see the results because I don't really know what God is doing behind the scenes.  God has a plan for everyone and there are things at work that I can't see or know about.  Do you ever wish you could look into other people's hearts and see what they really think and feel?  It might be more gratifying for us, but we might also get puffed up with pride and think that we ourselves are the ones doing the work and not God doing a good work through His people. 
And perhaps I just might look at other people and compare myself with them...good, bad or indifferent.  I just might wish that I could be more like them, abandoning the call God has placed on my own life because at times it seems difficult or perhaps I don't see the point in what I'm doing.
I may not always know the how or why of God's plan, but I do know something.  God is faithful and He gives us what we need, when we need it.  His love and mercy extend farther than we can imagine, much more than we could ever deserve and He keeps His promises.  I am so blessed to serve such a good God.

Being Still

I am back from a most wonderful vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida.  We went to Siesta Key and spent a week on the beach with my extended family.  We have been doing this for many years and even my mom went with her parents as a child.  The Sunday before we left for our trip, God spoke to me through the children's message at church.  Ms. Nancy used a verse that God has used in my life many times throughout the years.  I tend to be a very busy person, always doing something and God says, "Be still and know that I am God."  As Nancy pointed out to the children, if we are constantly doing and going and talking, how will we ever hear God?  God needs for us to take time out and to just be still.  So that's why I haven't been blogging, I've been trying to be still in the presence of God and soak up His words and bask in His presence.  It's been amazing.  For the first time in I can't tell you how long, I am not stressed.  I feel relaxed and I am at peace.  God really showed off while we were at the beach.

Sunset at the beach is my favorite time of the day.

That same night of that beautiful sunset, God gave us a rainbow too!

As I walked on the beach, played in the waves, laughed with my kids, and reconnected with Hubby, my batteries were recharged.  I laughed A LOT.  When the adults gathered in our condo for a Wii party, we had such fun.  Rock Band was a hoot ~ my sister especially rocked the microphone at 1 a.m.  I realized how truly blessed I am and how much I appreciate the closeness of my wonderfully supportive family. 

It's good to be back and getting into the swing of things again.  God is good.  I had my time away and now it's time time get back to it.  This is a big week at our house...Prince and Princess will turn 7 on Thursday!

His Grace is Enough

When Hubby and I were at Conference last week we sang one of my favorite songs "Your Grace is Enough."  If you aren't familiar with the song, the chorus says, "Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough for me."  I love this song because it is so true in its simplicity.  His grace is enough for me, for all of us.  If it weren't for God's unmerrited grace, I don't know where I'd be. 
2 Corinthians 12:9 says:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
Paul had a thorn in the flesh.  We don't know exactly what that was, but we know that he had acute physical pain.  We all have weaknesses in our lives, areas where we must rely on God to step in and work through it.  My battle with Crohn's Disease has been up and down and sometimes quite frankly gets in the way of what I want to do.  BUT, His grace is sufficient.  He finds ways to work in and through our weaknesses.  I grew up singing "Amazing Grace," but didn't truly know what that grace was all about until I was too sick to get out of the bed and had to rely on Him to get me through each day.  He has used my illness as a testimony to His faithfulness to His people.  God always keeps His promises and He still performs miracles in ordinary people.   You can read more about God's amazing grace HERE.

Annual Conference Recap

I'm back!  Annual Conference was extremely busy but such a wonderful experience.  I kept thinking about how Jesus said, "Wherever two or more are gathered in my name, there am I in their midst."  Yes, the Holy Spirit was there, moving this body as we asked for His presence and discernment in electing delegates for General and Jurisdictional Conference next year.  We voted, worshiped, voted, heard committee reports, and voted some more.  We did a lot of voting and finally finished selecting delegates on Saturday morning, the last day of the conference.  There were 11 laity and 11 clergy selected to go to General Conference next April, 11 additional laity and 11 additional clergy selected to represent at Jurisdictional Conference in North Carolina next July, and 7 each laity and clergy to serve as alternates.  I was elected as an alternate for Jurisdictional Conference.  Jurisdictional Conference is important because this is where the bishops are elected and there will be 5 new bishops elected next year in the Southeast Jurisdiction, one of them being in Florida, as our Bishop Whitaker will be retiring.  I will attend all of the meetings, however, I won't have a vote unless others are unable to fulfill their commitments.  It is an honor for Hubby and I to represent our church and our district.

I'm pretty sure our congregation knows this, but it needs to be said:  Conference-wide, Pastor David is so well respected and loved.  We have been blessed to have him in leadership.  As I met and spoke with people at Conference, one of the first things people ask is what church you are from.  When I told them, they would all say, "Oh, David is your pastor.  We just love him!" or "I can't believe David is retiring, you are so blessed to have had him as your pastor."  We all know how much we love him, but he and Donna are loved throughout the Florida Conference.  As Trish mentioned in worship yesterday, we attended a retirement service for David on Friday afternoon. 

You can click on the link below to hear what David wrote about his ministry.  As each minister and spouse came up, someone read about their ministry.  We were so proud to stand when David's name was called.  The video was taken with my phone, so you can't see much, but you can hear it. 

After all of the retiring pastors had been recognized they joined together at a round table in the middle of the room and lit candles.  The retiring pastors then lit the candles of all of those who had been ordained this conference.

The theme of Annual Conference was "Living as Peacemakers."  On Wednesday evening we attended worship and communion and were blessed to hear Bishop Ricardo Pereira, from the Methodist Church in Cuba.  He is such a dynamic preacher and the Methodist Church in Cuba is growing by leaps and bounds.  He told story after story about how they are making disciples of Jesus Christ in spite of political opposition and their churches are growing!  Thursday evening we brought our kids with us for the hymn sing and to hear Bishop Whitaker preach.  Princess said she wanted to come and support her Mommy while people were voting for delegates.  It was a sweet moment when she prayed that I would win and be a delegate and it made me realize how important it is for me to be a part of leadership of our church because my children are watching...they watch everything we do or don't do.  It brought tears to my eyes to have my very own little Princess tell me she is proud of me and that she hoped I would win. 
Bishop Whitaker preached on "Churchcraft."  Churchcraft, what used to be known as "churchmanship," is the craft of building up the church.  He pointed to Paul, 1 Corin. 3:10 " By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it.  But each one should be careful how he builds."  We must be intentional with what we are building.  Our goal is not to see how many people we can get to join our church.  In fact, Bishop Whitaker says that we should not be using the term "joining the church" because joining something isn't the same thing as becoming a member.  Becoming a member of a church means that you are a part of it and are involved in the body.  When we take our membership vows, we pledge our time, talents and gifts.  We say we will do everything in our power to strengthen the church's ministries.  He pointed to the vows taken in the A.M.E. (African Methodist Episcopal) church, saying that their questions and answers are more detailed than ours and more like the original Methodist intent and questions.  Membership is not loyalty to a program or a person.  IT is a covenant relationshiop with the congregation. 
Bishop Whitaker stressed healthy communication within churches and gave 6 points for healthy communication.
1.  Learn to disagree agreeably.
2.  Speak directly to individuals or groups to address concerns you may have.
3.  Never ask someone else to address your concerns and never agree to address someone else's concerns for them.  It is important that the person with the concerns go directly and address them. (See #2)
4.  Don't create a triangle of communication where you involve yourself in trying to mediate a situation and you end up with a victim, persecutor, rescuer situation.
5.  Don't communicate anonymously or play attention to others' anonymous communication.
6.  Try to teach others appropriate, healthy communication.
*My own observation ~ wouldn't things be a lot simpler around here if everyone abided by these key points?  We would all approach each other with love and we may have to agree to disagree, but there wouldn't be the misunderstandings and hurt feelings of he said/ she said.  Just a thought...

In closing, Bishop Whitaker stressed that our Churchcraft needs to serve our mission.  The mission of the Untied Methodist Church is: Making Disciples of Jesus Christ for the Transformation of the World. 

I think Pastor David has done a great job in our refocusing groups of helping us to evaluate our ministries and how we are going about making disciples in the ministries of this church.  It is important that we continue to evaluate those ministry opportunities and how they fit in with the mission of the church.



The Honor of Serving Christ's Church

Hubby and I are attending Annual Conference for the United Methodist Church as delegates for our district this week.  It is truly an honor to serve and we are looking forward to being a part of the church on a larger level.  I am also a nominee to attend General Conference next year, which is the body that meets every 4 years to vote on policy and doctrine that may change.  Please pray for our Conference this week and pray for elections, as we set out to determine what the future of our church should look like. 

One of the things I feel very passionately about is that our church and our faith remain relevant for today's generation.  We need to hold strong to our core values and stand firm on those truths we know are right, yet we must also be open minded in how we "do church."  We must embrace technology and use it as a tool to reach others, to show them the love of Christ.  This is one of the reasons I blog...to share what Christ is doing in my life and how I am growing, how my family is growing because of His great mercy and love.  We can reach so many more people with blogs, facebook, websites, twitter. 

I appreciate your prayers and can't wait to tell you about the amazing ways God is going to work and move this week.  Stay tuned!!

Battling The Waves

We went to the beach this afternoon and spent several hours relaxing, watching the children play and playing with them in the water.  It was a beautiful day and we so enjoyed our time together.

We don't allow the kids to go out in the water past their ankles without one of us with them, for fear they will get caught in the rip current.  So after they played patiently in ankle deep water for a while, Hubby and I joined them in the water and took them out further to jump over the waves.  We had such a good time, trying not to let the power of the waves knock us under.

Princess, bless her heart, kept getting swept under, but she would come up smiling every time saying, "This is great!"  However, after a while, I noticed that whenever a wave came, she would hold onto my waist and use my strength and stability to help keep her from going under.  As I watched, I began to think about our relationship with God and the parallel between what Princess was doing and what we should do.  I have faced many situations where I have been knocked off of my feet, thrown for a loop, and pulled under the water.  As I struggle to find my way back to my feet I finally get my footing, before another wave comes and knocks me down again.  There will always be struggles, they will keep coming, just as the waves never stop.  Some are bigger than others, some more powerful and life changing than others, but I can be certain that they will always come.  I can try to bolster up and handle these on my own, or I can cling to God, who gives me strength and reinforcement when I need it.  If I cling to Him, my chances of going under are much less.  God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble ~ Psalm 46:1. 

I'm so glad Princess was hanging on to me this afternoon, using my strength so that she didn't have to continually be knocked down.  I'll bet my Heavenly Father is glad when I hang on to Him and gain my strength from Him.  I seem to make things much harder than they have to be when I try to go it alone.  It's so tiring when you try to fight those battles by yourself over and over again.  He's standing there, just waiting for me to reach out and grab hold, it's mine if I'll only hang on. 

What a sweet reminder from a sweet blessing from God!

Going by Grace

I am currently sitting in a quiet hotel room while Hubby is in work meetings.  We arrived yesterday afternoon and I have had a chance to catch up on some much needed sleep and to have fellowship with the other wives.  We decided to do our own thing this afternoon, which for me included coming back to the room for time with my Bible and quiet reflection.  I am in the process of applying to begin my master's degree at a seminary and I am supposed to be thinking and writing about my personal history, including my relationship with Christ and my spiritual pilgrimage.  I have always considered myself to be a deeply reflective person but I am finding this difficult.  There are other questions such as my motivation in preparing for ministry and vocational experience, but I am having the most difficulty with writing about my spiritual pilgrimage.  I think this is because it has been such an emotional journey and I find myself emotionally exhausted as I type and begin to relive it all.  One thing I know is true: "All things work together for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28
No matter the trial, I have been able to come through it (eventually) knowing that God is faithful and that He will use those trials in my life for His greater good.  I know that God has called me into a life of ministry and that I want to be in His will.  It is scary for me to step out in faith, because I don't know how this will all unfold.  I like to know the plan and then to have back up plans in place just in case it doesn't work out.  I've always been a big planner.  I think this is why God doesn't give me the plan ahead of time, it's part of the faith journey, to trust in Him. "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you."  I don't know who said this but it brings me comfort to meditate on these words, knowing that I am upheld by His grace because I certainly couldn't do this on my own.  I pray that as God guides me through each step of His plan for my life, I will be obedient to His call and step out in faith. 

Mother's Day Montage Part 2

I have mentioned before that the twins were born 7 weeks early and the circumstances of their birth were quite difficult.  They were sent to a NICU an hour and a half away and the day after they were born, my kidneys and liver started to shut down.  I remember very clearly the conversation with Hubby after my doctor left the room from telling us I was moving to ICU.  Hubby sat with me on the bed and held my hands.  We weren't sure what the prognosis was going to be, it all depended on how my body responded to the meds, but at this point, things didn't look good.  I explained to Hubby that I wasn't scared, just disappointed.  I was disappointed at the thought of finally having these babies, finally being a Mommy, something I had wanted my entire, and now I might not live to see them grow.  In those moments, I told Hubby that I knew he'd be a great Daddy and raise our children well and that I wanted for him to find a good mom for our kids.  Those were hard words, because I wanted to be the only mom they would know, but I also knew that there was a possibility that they wouldn't know or remember anything about me. 

Just a few months before their second birthday, I was faced with this reality again when my Crohn's doctors told me that if I didn't have surgery I would die within a month.  Recovery from this surgery was tough and I had two busy little toddlers and a Hubby who was with me every step of the way, but that also meant that he couldn't be with me and the babies at the same time.  My mom and my sister took over as the twins' caretakers ~ their second mothers ~ and I couldn't think of anyone better for the job. 

This Mother's Day, all of those thoughts have been swirling around in my head.  I feel a little bit cheated because there are so many things I wasn't able to be a part of when it comes to seeing my babies grow and do things, but I also know that I am blessed to even be here.  Blessed that God chose for me to be their mommy.  Blessed that I have a mommy and a sister who could stand in the gap when I couldn't be there for my own babies.  Mother's Day means so much more because I'm here, loving on my babies, watching them grow into these beautiful people and it's only by God's grace that they are.  When I hear the things they say and see how they are growing in their faith, I wish I could take credit for that.  That's all God.  I can be here to answer their questions and help guide, but it is the Holy Spirit living in them that has made them who they are.  I can't imagine my life without these two blessings, and I am so glad that God saw it fit to heal my body so that I could be a part of this:

Thank you God for dirty fingerprints on my walls, spilt milk at the table, messy bedrooms, a trail of clothes down the hall, morning snuggles, a thousand questions asked each day, hugs around my middle, belly laughs, and goodnight prayers.  Through it all, I am blessed.

Happy Mother's Day, all!  I want to especially thank my own Mom, Mema, and Sister for being women I admire so much.  You three have been there to help nurture, love, and change dirty diapers when I couldn't and words can't express how glad I am that my babies have you, that I have you.  I love you dearly and thank God for you in my life!

The Importance of Obedience

I'm pretty sure my 6 year olds are smarter than I am.  I've always thought that children are wiser than adults, they don't have the life experience, but they are more open minded and have more room in their hearts to really soak things in.  This afternoon Prince confirmed that for me.  Very matter of factly he said to me, "Mom, if you can't conquer obedience then temptation and sin will always be a problem in your life."  Come again?  I had to really think about what he just said to me.  I asked him where he heard this and he said that he had a dream last night and when he woke up he just knew it.  I'm not sure where he has heard this, but it fits right along with what I've been thinking about lately. 

God has been leading me in a direction that will cause some major changes in my life.  I am planning to go back to school and I have felt those nudges, but I have also had a lot of excuses as to why I can't do what He wants me to do.  I have been thinking a lot about obedience and how comfortable I've become right where I am.  It would be a lot easier if I could just bloom where I'm planted and stay put doin' my own thang.  Life doesn't work that way.  I have found though, that when I am walking in obedience to God I feel closer to Him.  When I feel closer to God, it somehow feels easier to resist temptation.  When I step out to do my own thing, it is easy for me to stray from His plan and temptation and sin are a real problem.  I've learned a lot from my kiddos.  This afternoon's lesson confirmed that God's message comes through whoever He chooses to use. 

The Prayer I Should Pray

Every morning on the way to school we take turns praying in the car.  It is a precious time with my children and I wish I could record their prayers each and every day because I never know what they will say.  Yesterday morning as Princess was praying, there were several things that struck me.  First, she began praying for all of the things she wants; new toys, good grades on her papers, etc. These are little things to me, but they are huge things to her.  This got me thinking about how my prayers must sound to God.  All of these little things I pray for myself that are a huge deal to me, but must seem so small to God.  Then, as I was consumed in my thoughts about this, I was jarred back to reality by her closing statement.  "And God, please help me to like you best, to love you better than anyone or anything else in my life.  Amen."  Wow!  I think I'm going to take that one and use it.  So simplistic, yet so deep.